The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
