you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
