forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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