Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just cropdusted the office
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
