I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
