Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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