I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
pop tarts are not kleenex
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
