If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
