she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
