That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
