I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
