i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize