I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
