Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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