The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
