she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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