My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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