The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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