Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
