I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
