so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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