I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
