he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
