Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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