apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
