Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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