I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
