Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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