I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
