My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
