The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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