so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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