Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
This house was built for laser tag.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
