It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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