You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
