so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
