i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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