your parents love me but you hate me
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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