I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
