Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
