I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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