I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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