Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
