this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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