My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
