Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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