I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
