he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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