I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
