Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
you win again, gameday.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
