So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
