Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
