When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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