I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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