Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
