im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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