I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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