Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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